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Bobbing in the Sea

I have always tried to be honest, almost raw in my journey because someone needs to bring light to this never ending battle.

I have talked about scanxiety in the past few years, how all-consuming it can be.

My scans are coming up in a few days and I can feel the cortisol levels rise.

My thoughts attack my day, leaving me feeling like I am bobbing in the sea… desperately reaching out for anything to hold on to.

The mind chatter gets so loud that I close my eyes yearning for peace.

What if something shows up on the scans?

What next?

In a stage 4 battle, it is not about if it is about when. When will my medicine decide to stop working?

This month?

Next year?

When Halen is 10?

When Henley learns to drive?

Before I watch my daughters get married?

Before Evan and I celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary?

These are the thoughts that roll through my mind on a regular basis.

The past year has been a rollercoaster as I have been trying to figure out my physical health, but everyone forgets the toll it takes on your mental health.

No one takes into account how the sandwich of menopause + chemo + other meds react in your brain.

My physical self, endures side effects, but my mind does too.

There is no worldly cure for that, there is no worldly cure for any of this when it comes to cancer.

Something that has always weighed heavy on me is not only the stress I have singlehandedly brought to my family, but also the financial burden. If it wasn’t for me, for this cancer in my body, my family would not be experiencing such worry about cancer re-appearing, worry about the next medical bill, such worry about the future…

The devil sure knows where to creep in doesn’t he?

The ironic part of all of this, is most of my days are filled with light, peace, joy and comfort. Even when the world says you should be angry, you should put yourself first, you should be depressed.

I have felt the opposite.

I experience most of these feelings above every day, but I don’t allow them to consume me.

I know that when I am bobbing in the sea, my life preserver is Jesus and Jesus alone.

He tells me that when my burden is heavy to give it to Him and He will give me rest. Jesus says his yolk is light and He will put it on me. That is what I think Matthew 11:28 means, is when facing a battle that the world seems too hard to bear, if we turn to Jesus, He WILL give us relief.

The only freedom I have found in this life, is when Jesus is in the picture.

So as my scans creep closer, I look to Jesus as my wonderful counselor. I read His word for guidance.

I know that in him I can do all things, for He will give me strength to face it.

In your days, don’t forget that He is with you, He pursues, you, He loves you.

If your burden feels heavy, give it to Him.

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