Surely this is a bad dream...
Ever walk around and say to yourself; surely this is a bad dream? Or start to have a great day, laugh even and then your stomach clinches and you remember the bad news? Friday was strange. My day was different, not only because of the news I received but because I only had one kid to watch. Halen went to pre school and then of course I had Henley. I put on my dcTalk Pandora station to listen to as I cleaned and went about my normal day. I choked up a few times, but mostly the rhythm and lyrics made me feel empowered. Dana came over to visit. I made Vietnamese Coffees, just because. We sat on the back porch, sipped the cool, yummy liquid and talked while her kiddos played. Both Henley and baby J were napping. The more I talked about my prognosis the more surreal it became. Like surely I am talking about someone else, not me. And each time I said the words, did they become more real or more distant from my reality? Then we packed to go away for the weekend. It seemed like the right thing to do, to get away. To just be. Be together as a family. So we made the trek to Fredericksburg. I started to get antsy on the way, like Satan was trying to creep his way in (or had he already done that?) and we pulled over for a pit stop. I got Henley out of the car and instantly felt better. Just holding her close to me, took away my fear and nervousness. Since my cup filled back up, we finished the drive. We checked into our room and walked over to The Auslander for some German food. We had a really good time. Twice we had some full on belly laughs. I think Evan and I have realized in the last few days to truly see the humor and to embrace some comic relief. Our girls sure do make our hearts happy. Sleeping was terrible in the hotel, Halen was up until 1 a.m. coming up with “big ideas”… if that girl doesn’t become a CEO of a company or invent something brilliant, I’ll be shocked.
Thunder rolled throughout the Hill Country as Henley decided wake up time was 6:15 so to allow the others to sleep, we mosied down to the lobby for coffee. She walked all around the lobby in her footy jammies, proud as can be. Rain poured outside, and I took some happiness from it. I enjoy the rain. The way it replenishes the earth, how all things green rejoice from the gulp of water they receive. Daddy showed up and then we went back to cuddle and watch cartoons until Halen woke up. After an exciting breakfast (every meal is an event in our home) we decided to walk around Fredericksburg Main Street. It is quite strange to walk around with such a titanic on your heart and yet people walk by like there is nothing wrong. What do they say…the world keeps turning, life goes on? Sounds kind of insensitive, but that’s exactly what happens. We did have a more real conversation with our doctor today and she laid things out pretty clear for us. That this was going to be a battle. That we were going to need to be aggressive and that this was going to change the course of my life. This was going to become my life’s focus for the next sixth months. I don’t think Evan quite thought it was going to be that serious. I haven’t really allowed myself to break down and watching him attempt to breakdown almost made me lose it. But, I can’t lose it you see, because the only acceptable outcome is to be fine. To battle and win. Triumph. I have two little girls who need me and I will not let them down. Luckily, I have always been a faithful servant of God and am leaning on His strength now more than ever. I truly tried to enjoy my family today. We even drove around and as the girls napped, Evan and I enjoyed a few moments drinking glass of wine while they slept. Then we went to the pool as a family and had the whole area to ourselves. I loved it. It was a perfect afternoon. I can’t let myself get emotional about this because I don’t want to think anything but the positive. I need every ounce of strength to conquer this beast within me. I am full of gratitude for my family and tribe, that I am certain will rally once I am officially diagnosed. Tomorrow we head back home, I am hoping that the change in scenery, back to our everyday won’t affect my determined outlook. Monday cannot come fast enough…and even then it is a waiting game to receive my biopsy results. I look forward to making a plan and moving forward.
Today was back to reality. We came back from our getaway to some “normalcy” daycare kids showed up, I got Halen ready for school and Henley ready for the day. But then the normalcy would change. Today was the day for my biopsy. I had no idea what to expect. Evan picked me up and we headed south. My stomach was in knots. We arrive and after we get into our room, we are finally greeted by the breast surgeon, we talk and she gives me an exam. She clearly points out that there are a few things just not right with my boob. I am beyond frustrated with myself that I, for some ridiculous reason, thought I was exempt from getting cancer. Or that I didn’t take things more seriously. Finally Dr. Martinez decides a biopsy is necessary. Evan leaves the room and I feel quite alone. She talks me through the procedure, I get an injection of lidocaine to numb my breast and then she inserts a probe to collect tissue for the sample, all while using an ultrasound. I am trying to breathe and focus on something else. Half way through the procedure I feel pain, then even more pain. Finally she administers more lidocaine to help numb me even more. Tears welled up in my eyes a few times, but I somehow fought them back. She mentioned blood a few times and I feel dripping down my side. Finally it is over and she cleans me up and wraps me up tight. We make an appointment for Wednesday to go over the results.
It is so hard for me to accept this. I have kept this prognosis at an arm’s length, because if I let it closer I might break. Most people know I am uber sensitive, and I just want to be strong for my girls and my family. We shall see what Wednesday has in store. I think we are prepared for the worst. But Jesus works miracles daily, so you never know.
Today is my baby’s 1st birthday. One year ago I had the most perfect birth experience and now I am about to find out if I have cancer. How does that happen? Today was a nice distraction from the reality that will hit tomorrow. It is in my nature to be as positive as possible, so I am still clinging to some miracle that everything is okay. But I know I must prepare for the worst.
The hubs and I after we checked in to our room in Fredericksburg, he made sure to have a chilled bottle of local chardonnay ready to go upon arrival.