be still and smile

It has been about 938 days since I was told I had breast cancer. Since then I have had 1 year of chemotherapy, radiation and 4 surgeries. Oh and therapy for over a year. All with little girls needing a mama. Since then, my hair has grown back. My eyebrows have grown back and I have started meeting new people. I have become part of new circles. Most when they look at me would absolutely never guess of what a horrific few years I’ve just had. So when I walk into a party or the

Recently a new song has been coming on in my car and every time it does, I find myself turning the volume up and getting chills from the lyrics and tears rolling down my cheeks. The chorus rings, “Maybe it’s okay if I’m not okay. ‘Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me. Maybe it’s alright, if I’m not alright. ‘Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life.” This was such a welcomed acknowledgement that it was okay for me not to be okay. When the wor

I have been quite overwhelmed lately. Life just seems to be on full attack from all angles. Fear mongering is e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e and it is driving me bananas. I have never been one to cower in fear, hide or close myself up. I am usually quite the extrovert. But lately, I just am becoming more and more of a homebody… I feel so safe and strong in my bubble. Then I have to go outside, and from the first step on my porch I feel like I need to wear my armor. Everything I believe

I find it interesting that during certain times of our life we are forced to slow down. Forced to pause, forced to rest. As moms, we usually don’t allow us time to do that, we push through whatever it is that is trying to remind us we need to just stop. Whether that be exhaustion…from all the things… staying home with kids all day, juggling working and kids, getting up with a newborn, feeling under the weather, stress over family issues, work deadlines, the list goes on and o

All the pink banners, balloons, ribbons and such have come down… and yet I and thousands of other women still have cancer. How nice it must be for those on Instagram or Facebook to be able to just scroll by a post about breast cancer and not give it another thought. For survivors, we don’t get to opt out of cancer after October ends. It is in our every waking hour. I talk to other women and they get emotional five years out, 10 years out… do you know why? Because cancer never

We are almost half way through October and the pinkwashing is everywhere you turn. Pinkwashing: The practice of a company using support of breast cancer-related charities to promote itself and its products or services. How many of you have purchased a pink item only because it was pink and you thought, “Surely this goes to a good cause for cancer.” Sadly that is far from the truth. Large organizations sometimes have so much overhead that their giant events pay for just that…

Crying aloud as you entered the world; The world needed you, you had purpose. Growing with grace and the unfolding of a beautiful childhood; Teaching every chance you could get, people marveled at your presence. Life could be difficult, but you always chose the bright side; You lived a perfect life. Beautiful relationships transpired; Friendships were made, even though you knew they would forsake you. A life was built, one you had dreamed of; You knew your time was coming to

Last year I had just gotten my port placed, I had cut off all my long locks and I was getting mentally prepared to start my first chemo infusion of the “Red Devil”… Last summer was brutal. I had to cancel all our plans, different vacations, family reunion… all of it. I was so so so so bummed. I remember walking into the oncologist’s office practically begging to go on my trips. As most of you know, travel is my heart’s longing… I love to get away and explore, especially when

Today I am having another mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. It is the biggest, longest surgery I will have to go through in this cancer battle. It will be a grueling recovery, even more so since I have little ones at home. I cannot lift for 3 months and I have a two-year-old. I was sad to see my rightie go back in November, but to be completely honest I am sadder this time around to see lefty go. Why? Well lefty was the good side. Lefty is where my girls spent most of th

Change is hard. No one embraces change with ease or contentment…unless they are faced with such a dire circumstance that forces them to have a difficult mental discussion within their own head where change is imperative. I feel that is where I was. When I was diagnosed, almost a year ago I knew I had to make a serious change. At first it was easy, I was running on adrenaline and moving through the motions of appointments and scans. But then chemo started…the red “devil” prett

Easter weekend 2017 will forever hold a place in my heart… quite an uncomfortable place to be honest. I was sitting on my mom’s bed, we were watching, “Passion of the Christ” and stuffing eggs for our Easter Egg Hunt the next day, on Easter Sunday. That is when I knew something was terribly wrong with my body. For months, my 10-month-old baby at the time had been trying to tell me something was wrong, but I ignored it…thinking it had to be a cluster of clogged ducts. (If you

It is time to be real, to be transparent about my journey. Have you ever cared so deeply about something that it just becomes a part of you? It becomes like a sensation, that starts in your heart and spreads until you take action and DO something about what you truly care about. Over the last nine months my life has turned upside down… my health has always been important to me, so to be diagnosed with breast cancer with no genetic correlation just baffled me. Then I started t

Over the last eight months, I have been filling my bucket full of hope. Since my diagnosis, I was hoping that by February of this year I would be able to focus on my recovery from all treatment so that my body would be prepared for my reconstruction surgery in May. However, as I have mentioned before, each time you try to take control of your own path, God loves to remind you that you’re not in control. When we sat in my oncologist’s office after my unilateral mastectomy (dur

Today marked my last day of radiation. I was more emotional than I thought I would be, but then again, I have been through a lot in the last eight months. My body has endured quite a few obstacles, this being another one. Yesterday, I met with my radiation oncologist and she took a look at my skin…she was very impressed by how well it held up. Then I asked, “So how do we know if the radiation worked?” And she simply responded with, “Well time will tell, there is no way to mea

For many January is the start to a refreshed workout regime, I was included in this boat. After having two babies, being diagnosed with cancer… I was out.of.shape … big time. I was nervous, yet excited to get started on my new workouts with Camp Gladiator. I showed up and noticed how focused everyone was, the music was on point…jumping all over from genre to genre, and the trainer was excited, and pumping everyone up for this evening workout. I may not have looked like everyo

In the last few days I have seen everyone’s best nine photo collages being posted on Instagram from 2017. These rubbed me in a strange way, to say this year has been difficult is the understatement of the century. I began to look at all the photos from the last year…if you were to scroll through my phone you would think the start to 2017 was pretty great. You’d see photos of Halen and I with warm hats on in the chilly January weather, you would see Halen playing dress up, new

Once my 16 chemotherapy treatments were completed and with my imminent surgery which would leave me destabilized for a while, I knew I wanted time away with my family. Plus, our family decided experiences were vital from this point forward. I emailed a few hotels around the city to see what my options were. When I emailed with Jeanie, from Hyatt Lost Pines Resort and Spa, I was thrilled to put together a weekend stay. Her vision, above and beyond generosity, and individualize

As moms, we are told to take care of ourselves, “Nap when the baby naps!” but oftentimes we shrug this off because we are “too busy” taking care of everyone else. And just as the flight attendants will say, obtain oxygen for yourself and then turn to help your loved ones. But do we operate like that from day to day? Most of the time I would say, no. That is until we are given a reality check in life where God is gently nudging us to put ourselves first, so that we can be help

Here I am four months after all my hair fell out. It was a traumatic scene for me (read about it here) and what felt like it would take forever is now right in front of me. In May, November seemed eons away and now I am inching my way closer to phase two of my cancer journey. Getting used to myself without hair took some time, and now that it is growing back I am out of my comfort zone. The last time I had hair this short I was probably 5-6 months old. And now that my hair is

Tuesdays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week. It all starts with coffee and front porch sitting with my Halen girl, or cuddling up on the couch. I enjoy the quiet moments with just Halen before our Henley girl awakes. Something about mornings brings me a jolt of joy…maybe it’s the promise of a new day, a clean slate, Jesus renewed love, my girls’ big smiles…whatever it is I find mornings quite romantic. I sip my steaming cup of hot coffee all cozy in my ja