I am almost one week past my second infusion... yesterday was a really sleepy day. I took two solid naps and was completely out of it. Good for my body to fully rest I suppose.
Since Friday I have been in a strange mental space, I have lost all my hair and it's a milestone no one can quite prepare you for. Yes it is "just hair" but my hair defined so much of who I was physically, my long, thick hair...it was one of the physical attributes I was known for wherever I would go. To now look in the mirror and see nothing is quite a shock, I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. I know I need to remain strong and positive, but this milestone sure has taken me for a loop. I have always had a healthy dose of confidence in myself, physically and mentally. Especially, in my recent years as I've developed as a mom, wife, and daughter of God, I felt more and more sure of who I was and my outside appearance. To now be taken back to that preteen year mentality where you are not sure about who you are, you're growing and changing just as fast as the world around you is changing...was hard to swallow. I don't like not being sure of who I am, I don't like not being comfortable in my own skin. I am not one to shy away from a camera, but suddenly I am. I keep my eyes low when I pass by the mirrors in my home, I focus on pictures of my daughters rather than myself.
I know this is a phase of this whole process, and I know it is important for me to allow all emotions to register when moving through this year. From the beginning I told Evan I wanted to find joy in each day, that would help get me by. Luckily with Halen and Henley around they bring a smile to my face quite often and simple things like a really satisfying meal. Yesterday one of the pieces of joy in my day was fish tacos, simple but it worked. Most days my stomach or my mouth is incredibly unsatisfied, by either taste, texture or not being full. And it sure is easy for others around you to tell you what you should and shouldn't be eating, until they are in this position. I am trying to find that balance of indulgence and healthy eating. But truly this metallic taste and unsatisfied stomach is truly bizarre, definitely looking forward for that to be gone. As most know I am a foodie, it brings me joy, all different tastes, textures, types, and I have always tried to eat as healthy as I could. But during these blah days, I dream of sitting at a cafe in Paris with a pain au chocolat (or as Halen would say a chocolate grubsant). I don't think I'll ever take food for granted, nor will I ever eat foods that aren't made with love. Life is too short to eat processed food.
This process has changed so much of me, I am so grateful for the little things. And you'll never hear me complain about combing out tangled hair again.