be still and smile

Well it is half way through October and we have seen post after post about breast cancer. I will be one of the first people to tell you about my story and all the symptoms I had, the signs leading up to my diagnosis, the ways I could have detected it earlier, support for when diagnosed. But you know what I really wish someone would have shared with me? Prevention. I mean I remember reading a random magazine article or two about preventing cancer. I think I knew just as much a

I have been quite overwhelmed lately. Life just seems to be on full attack from all angles. Fear mongering is e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e and it is driving me bananas. I have never been one to cower in fear, hide or close myself up. I am usually quite the extrovert. But lately, I just am becoming more and more of a homebody… I feel so safe and strong in my bubble. Then I have to go outside, and from the first step on my porch I feel like I need to wear my armor. Everything I believe

We are almost half way through October and the pinkwashing is everywhere you turn. Pinkwashing: The practice of a company using support of breast cancer-related charities to promote itself and its products or services. How many of you have purchased a pink item only because it was pink and you thought, “Surely this goes to a good cause for cancer.” Sadly that is far from the truth. Large organizations sometimes have so much overhead that their giant events pay for just that…

Today I am having another mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. It is the biggest, longest surgery I will have to go through in this cancer battle. It will be a grueling recovery, even more so since I have little ones at home. I cannot lift for 3 months and I have a two-year-old. I was sad to see my rightie go back in November, but to be completely honest I am sadder this time around to see lefty go. Why? Well lefty was the good side. Lefty is where my girls spent most of th

What people don’t tell you about having cancer is it doesn’t just rock your body to the lowest valley it will go. It is also casting a shadow on your mental state, your outlook… it can jade you on life really quickly. What doctors don’t tell you about cancer is that you can suffer PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness, mood swings, anger. That you can go from absolute happiness to absolute sadness over one comment. What the doctors don’t tell you about cancer i

Change is hard. No one embraces change with ease or contentment…unless they are faced with such a dire circumstance that forces them to have a difficult mental discussion within their own head where change is imperative. I feel that is where I was. When I was diagnosed, almost a year ago I knew I had to make a serious change. At first it was easy, I was running on adrenaline and moving through the motions of appointments and scans. But then chemo started…the red “devil” prett

Today four years ago, I became a mother. The thing I wanted most in this world, besides being Evan's wife. I was given that gorgeous gift with a daughter, straight from above. I planned so precisely for that moment and when it arrived she completely took my breath away. Not much can be explained like a mother’s love. It is unexplainable…the power, the depth, the feeling that you would do absolutely anything in the world for that being, and that starts from in the womb, to the

Easter weekend 2017 will forever hold a place in my heart… quite an uncomfortable place to be honest. I was sitting on my mom’s bed, we were watching, “Passion of the Christ” and stuffing eggs for our Easter Egg Hunt the next day, on Easter Sunday. That is when I knew something was terribly wrong with my body. For months, my 10-month-old baby at the time had been trying to tell me something was wrong, but I ignored it…thinking it had to be a cluster of clogged ducts. (If you

Today marked my last day of radiation. I was more emotional than I thought I would be, but then again, I have been through a lot in the last eight months. My body has endured quite a few obstacles, this being another one. Yesterday, I met with my radiation oncologist and she took a look at my skin…she was very impressed by how well it held up. Then I asked, “So how do we know if the radiation worked?” And she simply responded with, “Well time will tell, there is no way to mea

January has been all about overdrive for me. Every (weekday) morning I have to complete the morning dance with my kiddos…breakfast, clothes, hair, pack lunch, shoes…any mom will resonate with me on that lovely beginning of each day. Then I drop off my eldest at pre-school, shuttle my littlest to someone who can watch her while I whiz my way downtown to radiation which lasts approximately 20-30 minutes (if they are running on time). Some days it feels like A LOT of rushing for

In the immediate days after my mastectomy I didn’t truly accept what had happened to me. I treated the recovery as if I had the tonsillectomy that I had years ago. I welcomed the visitors, delicious bowls of pho, coffee and breakfast tacos. I embraced the snuggles on my bed watching the entire mini-series of Big Little Lies in one sitting, because let’s face it, as a mom of little kids I never get to sit down for long. I was thrilled with cozying up on the couch watching chee

I know this seems odd…to write a letter to my chest. But for me, they have done so much, and not only for me but for my daughters. I had always been maternal, from the moment I could walk and carry around a baby doll. God had fully intended to make me a mother, it was part of my destiny. To love and care for another being, to put another before myself. When I gave birth to Halen we had zero issues breastfeeding, she latched immediately and our forever bond had been solidified

Tuesdays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week. It all starts with coffee and front porch sitting with my Halen girl, or cuddling up on the couch. I enjoy the quiet moments with just Halen before our Henley girl awakes. Something about mornings brings me a jolt of joy…maybe it’s the promise of a new day, a clean slate, Jesus renewed love, my girls’ big smiles…whatever it is I find mornings quite romantic. I sip my steaming cup of hot coffee all cozy in my ja

A Breast Cancer Survivor's Perspective As I am rounding out my chemotherapy treatments in October, it is impossible to miss all the pink…for what some call Pinktober. I have had 13 chemo treatments, and I have been preparing myself for this month since my diagnosis in May. At first, I was hesitant to join the pink bandwagon…it is just not my color. I always get drawn toward different blue hues, they pull me in with their calming effect and give me some since of serenity. As t

Why are sleepovers only a thing for our youth? I think spending some quality time with women is incredibly important. Women need other women, in cultures and generations from our past women gathered together, worked together, cooked together, and in all that had fellowship together. Why did this stop? This past weekend I had three of my favorite women travel into town to spend time with me during my battle with breast cancer. They came in that weekend to support me walking Ra

When I started this life with cancer, I had no idea the mental and emotional toll it would take. It all seemed very physical to me at first. The first chemotherapy medicine I was given really knocked me off my feet physically, (not to mention balancing two little girls in the mix) and of course trying to understand that I had cancer was emotional. As my body started to feel better, I felt pretty good overall. Months went by and people would ask me how I was, and I always resp

This battle has ebbed and flowed all over my heart…my mental state… my view. Holy of holies. It is hard. I know on the outside I speak the power of positivity and that is truer than true. But it feels like I am falling off of a cliff and gripping the edge with all of my might, to keep from falling into the enemy’s arms. It is an incessant battle not only physically, but mentally. And I have always had a pretty clear and positive mental state. Never allowing myself to dip down

I want to begin by saying I am not a hypochondriac whatsoever... I am not a germaphobe either. I am not used to being “careful” or “cautious” or living in “fear”. So to have fear that my cancer could come back at any moment is driving me mad. I grew up fearless…jumping off diving boards at two years old…only the icy, steep River Run in Keystone, Colorado could make me cautious. Everything I have ever wanted in life I boldly went after…became a triathlete, ran marathons, first

Time has been a mixture of a whirlwind and a standstill since the end of May. It took a long time for my diagnosis to sink in. I still sometimes forget, I’ll be chatting away with a friend on the couch and then I catch a glimpse of myself in them mirror and get reminded… “Oh yeah, I have cancer.” (And do I act differently because I have cancer? More on that later.) The worst part about cancer is the future. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb. I feel like once you are diagno

I have been going to a coping with breast cancer support class and we usually go around the room and talk about different subjects. Our support circle came up, and we were supposed to talk about how we feel about that. Several people said that friends started dropping out of their lives, even family members. I was shocked. I looked down at my piece of paper with several family members and friend’s names written in each respective circle…would these people start to drop out of