be still and smile

Dear Carol, As I look at my daughters’ blue eyes, energetic twirls over to wrestle with their daddy… my heart aches. I suppose it is a heartache that is both full of happiness and one that has an aching of emptiness. I was never able to meet you, never able to hug you or dance with you at our wedding. I was never able to hand our brand new baby girl over to you, which we named after you… But the biggest thing that comes to mind, is that I was never able to thank you. Thank yo

I have been quite overwhelmed lately. Life just seems to be on full attack from all angles. Fear mongering is e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e and it is driving me bananas. I have never been one to cower in fear, hide or close myself up. I am usually quite the extrovert. But lately, I just am becoming more and more of a homebody… I feel so safe and strong in my bubble. Then I have to go outside, and from the first step on my porch I feel like I need to wear my armor. Everything I believe

This is something I am learning and reminding myself of daily. When I was a child I don’t ever remember focusing on an outward appearance…of course as I grew that became more important. It makes my heart hurt to think I thought I was “bigger” when looking back, I was the thinnest I have ever been. Now here I am two babies later, nine months after being diagnosed with breast cancer and I feel as far from attractive as possible. Now most of you probably are taken aback by that

All I have seen lately are moms snappish about how much they hate Valentine’s Day… it bums me out. I mean don’t get me wrong, I get it. We don’t eat candy in this house, so that aspect of VDay makes me cringe… (Halen STILL asks where her Halloween candy is…it is still hiding at the top of my closet…) Sure, Valentine’s Day may seem like a “Hallmark” holiday these days, thanks to grocery stores and Walgreens for splattering cherry red and pepto bismal all over their stores. But

Any other mamas feel like their car is an extension of their purse? My sweet, amazing, acts of service husband will clean out my car… I am sure more for his sanity than mine, but he will clean it out. Which I am grateful for, but what happens days later? Everything ends up back in my car. Why? We need ALL of the things. Whether that be socks, tissues, diapers, shoes, a stroller, books, Thieves, snacks, water bottles, toys...you name it we probably have it in my car. In severa

Life with littles is hard. I find that I am so busy trying to juggle everything, I forget to go to the bathroom. My bladder has become a soldier. My beloved coffee only tastes good reheated so many times and then it loses its luster. My patience, tolerance and calmness only go so far until I can feel the stress creeping up threatening to burst out at any moment. Then my 3 ½ year old asks me to cuddle. In those moments, time stands still. I don’t have my phone around, I don’t

As I watch these Christmas movies with inevitable happy ever after, it makes me think back on my life. The choices I made, the decisions that led to me to where I am today… and what I would do differently. I’ve always been a fairytale girl, and God gently reminds me that people are incapable of fulfilling that desire within me. But, I think we can come close. Christmas is bringing a lot of emotion my way, and I have had a hard time getting into the spirit. I feel like this ba

In the immediate days after my mastectomy I didn’t truly accept what had happened to me. I treated the recovery as if I had the tonsillectomy that I had years ago. I welcomed the visitors, delicious bowls of pho, coffee and breakfast tacos. I embraced the snuggles on my bed watching the entire mini-series of Big Little Lies in one sitting, because let’s face it, as a mom of little kids I never get to sit down for long. I was thrilled with cozying up on the couch watching chee

Being the week of Thanksgiving it is hard not to think of what you are grateful for. Being a few days out from my mastectomy, I am incredibly thankful for so much. When you go through something traumatic it is amazing how people rally behind you. I have had so many wonderful people support me through prayer, thoughts, texts, notes, gifts, flowers, meals, childcare, walks, clothes, and every single bit of support blows me away. Some talk of a selfish world, and in some ways, i

I have been going to a coping with breast cancer support class and we usually go around the room and talk about different subjects. Our support circle came up, and we were supposed to talk about how we feel about that. Several people said that friends started dropping out of their lives, even family members. I was shocked. I looked down at my piece of paper with several family members and friend’s names written in each respective circle…would these people start to drop out of

Have you ever been moving through life and were forced to stop? But you weren’t ready or prepared for the stop. Kind of like slamming on the breaks in a car…your head flies forward, your seatbelt secures tightly, your eyes widen and your adrenaline gets a spike…a forced pause. I was given a forced pause in my cancer journey. You’d think I would be used to being blindsided by now, but somehow the surprise just doesn’t get any easier. It’s strange because when one is diagnosed

Hey girl, hey! You over there nonchalantly smoking your cigarette and brushing the blond hair out of your face with cut off denim shorts. Why are you smoking? Have you ever really asked yourself that question? Because, I can’t think of a single good reason why anyone would smoke. None that would sway me anyway. Why did it sway you? Pardon me for sounding like your grandmother, but you see I just don’t understand why you are taking your life for granted. I mean surely, you’ve

The girls are jumping on your belly smothering you with kisses, they have donned you with hat of some sort and placed a tea cup in your hand. Your smile is big as ever, and bright, showing this is exactly where you want to be. I sit on the couch and watch this all transpire, wishing I had the energy to join the wrestling match of snuggles. You amaze me. Our marriage, just like every other has not been a cake walk, but we’ve always been dedicated. We knew what we wanted and we