Everyone has fears…fear of flying, fear of heights, fear of spiders, fear of the unknown, fear of public speaking, and of course, fear of death. And these fears can hold us back from achieving all kinds of things...traveling to incredible destinations, views of sunsets that take our breath away, succeeding wildly in our career. Some fears are good, they keep us reigned in and some are bad, they hold us back. In the sermon, this week we focused on fear as the giant. Of course, as Pastor Tim is speaking and asking his congregation, “What is your fear, what is your giant?” All I can think of is…cancer…cancer is my fear, cancer is my giant. But then Pastor Tim talks about David and what a humble shepherd boy he was and how he had the courage and confidence to fight Goliath, the nine-foot-tall warrior, from the faith he had in God. How God filled him up with all the strength and power he needed to conquer this giant.
This made me really think. It is so easy to succumb to fear and wallow in self-pity or let a dark cloud follow you wherever you go when you get diagnosed with cancer. But none of these things help the situation. If I were to fall apart, how would that help my family? How would that help my precious blue-eyed girls as they look up at me? How would it help ME? It wouldn’t. Having faith that God has this makes me breathe easier. And I really don’t think it’s the overall cancer that I am afraid of, because I know that with His word breathing in me, I will conquer this giant. But I am afraid of how the chemo will affect me. I am afraid of being weak. I am afraid of my girls feeling like they can’t rely on me because I am sick. And sure, the big fears try to seep their way in, but I just can’t listen, I can’t accept that kind of thinking. My future is too bright and too beautiful. My girls are too deserving. I am expecting quite a few calls this week, I will hear about my genetic testing which will determine a lot for me and will affect my daughters. I will most likely get my port placed for chemotherapy and start my treatment.
As this battle is about to begin, I try not to feel fearful, but instead faithful. So, I say to cancer, my Goliath, “You may come against me with your silent monstrosity, and chemotherapy and hair loss, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty…” 1 Samuel 17:4-5