be still and smile

When I was 9 years old my parents took me skiing and on our last run I had to go down the River Run. It was the steep, icy LAST run before apres ski. And I was not budging. No matter how much my mom tried to coax me into following her down, the fear in me crept so high I just wasn’t going to move an inch. I begged her to call up the emergency vehicles to take me down. Thankfully my mom refused to be swayed by my fear and we took a very, v-e-r-y slow (pie-ing allllll the way d

May is the motherload (pun intended) of months for me as a mom. Both my daughters are born in May and my cancer-versary is in May. This gives me a lot of time to ponder the meaning of motherhood and of course to analyze myself to see if I am on the track I thought I’d be on. Re-evaluate myself, push myself, pray and try to really tune in to my girls and our life. Lately, I feel myself being pulled in so many different directions, say yes to all of the things and feeling like

Who is ready for 2018 to go? Anyone wish it would linger a little longer? I have always found myself ready for a new year, ready for a new Monday... ready to start fresh. 2018 was quite the year for our family... the second half of my cancer journey took place in 2018... Don’t get me wrong 2018 had some pretty fantastic moments… my daughters growing and learning just brings me so much joy. It snowed in Texas as we rang in the New Year, which is pretty uncommon and awesome. We

I find it interesting that during certain times of our life we are forced to slow down. Forced to pause, forced to rest. As moms, we usually don’t allow us time to do that, we push through whatever it is that is trying to remind us we need to just stop. Whether that be exhaustion…from all the things… staying home with kids all day, juggling working and kids, getting up with a newborn, feeling under the weather, stress over family issues, work deadlines, the list goes on and o

Crying aloud as you entered the world; The world needed you, you had purpose. Growing with grace and the unfolding of a beautiful childhood; Teaching every chance you could get, people marveled at your presence. Life could be difficult, but you always chose the bright side; You lived a perfect life. Beautiful relationships transpired; Friendships were made, even though you knew they would forsake you. A life was built, one you had dreamed of; You knew your time was coming to

Formal Definition: A DIEP flap is a type of breast reconstruction in which blood vessels called deep inferior epigastric perforators (DIEP), as well as the skin and fat connected to them, are removed from the lower abdomen and transferred to the chest to reconstruct a breast after mastectomy without the sacrifice of any of the abdominal muscles. Nine months ago, I had a unilateral mastectomy to remove the cancerous tumor, because it was the immediate need. I chose to leave my

Last year I had just gotten my port placed, I had cut off all my long locks and I was getting mentally prepared to start my first chemo infusion of the “Red Devil”… Last summer was brutal. I had to cancel all our plans, different vacations, family reunion… all of it. I was so so so so bummed. I remember walking into the oncologist’s office practically begging to go on my trips. As most of you know, travel is my heart’s longing… I love to get away and explore, especially when

I wake up in the morning and my hands are swollen, they hurt to even close them. I cringe as I pry open my medicine, which is a pain I never thought I would face. I have cracks deep in my toes that I have to apply care to each night, I have skin peeling off my feet. My hands look like I have had my hands stuck in a water basin all day…absolute prunes. My digestive system is all out of whack, not knowing up from down. This is what I face each day with my current chemo pills. A

Change is hard. No one embraces change with ease or contentment…unless they are faced with such a dire circumstance that forces them to have a difficult mental discussion within their own head where change is imperative. I feel that is where I was. When I was diagnosed, almost a year ago I knew I had to make a serious change. At first it was easy, I was running on adrenaline and moving through the motions of appointments and scans. But then chemo started…the red “devil” prett

Our church is doing a special series on mental health called, The Unmentionables. The first one was last week and it was fantastic. I love that our pastor isn’t afraid to speak beyond the fluff, to core issues that our society deals with…even if they aren’t PC. Last week the focus was on depression, anxiety and suicide… it didn’t take long for tears to start streaming down my face during the sermon as he discussed the ins and outs of what anxiety and depression really are. Be

It all starts with my Monday morning alarm reminding me that it is time to hit the pavement and #nevermissamonday. During this time, I feel alive and love pushing my limits. I try to ignore the pain in my hands and feet. When I arrive home, I am greeted by my happy-go-lucky firstborn. I have to remind myself to get my morning supplements in before #chemobrain sets in and I forget. Then, I attempt to get my #jesustime in by focusing on my bible study while H eats her cereal an

Since I have been on the transparent train lately, I figured it was a good time as any to share what has been eating away at me. I preface this by saying I am no perfect picture of, well anything…but you can bet your bottom dollar that I am trying my best to live better than before. Health is my primary focus this year, I have been doing so much research, reading, learning…I have been like a sponge gathering as much information about preventative care and wellness that I can.

Sometimes I feel like a sheep being pushed and guided toward this mysterious light that gives a false sense of security. I look around and see everyone else walking in that direction, so I cautiously move forward. In the back of my head the lioness in me starts to roar, I stop… the masses behind me keep moving forward almost pushing me forward too. I move myself out of the herd, I stand on the outside watching this huge crowd in tunnel vision, just trusting what is ahead. My

Over the last eight months, I have been filling my bucket full of hope. Since my diagnosis, I was hoping that by February of this year I would be able to focus on my recovery from all treatment so that my body would be prepared for my reconstruction surgery in May. However, as I have mentioned before, each time you try to take control of your own path, God loves to remind you that you’re not in control. When we sat in my oncologist’s office after my unilateral mastectomy (dur

Today marked my last day of radiation. I was more emotional than I thought I would be, but then again, I have been through a lot in the last eight months. My body has endured quite a few obstacles, this being another one. Yesterday, I met with my radiation oncologist and she took a look at my skin…she was very impressed by how well it held up. Then I asked, “So how do we know if the radiation worked?” And she simply responded with, “Well time will tell, there is no way to mea

For many January is the start to a refreshed workout regime, I was included in this boat. After having two babies, being diagnosed with cancer… I was out.of.shape … big time. I was nervous, yet excited to get started on my new workouts with Camp Gladiator. I showed up and noticed how focused everyone was, the music was on point…jumping all over from genre to genre, and the trainer was excited, and pumping everyone up for this evening workout. I may not have looked like everyo

In the last few days I have seen everyone’s best nine photo collages being posted on Instagram from 2017. These rubbed me in a strange way, to say this year has been difficult is the understatement of the century. I began to look at all the photos from the last year…if you were to scroll through my phone you would think the start to 2017 was pretty great. You’d see photos of Halen and I with warm hats on in the chilly January weather, you would see Halen playing dress up, new

I have been processing information for the last few days, trying to figure out how to put it into words. The beginning of this journey was hard to grapple with, but as we learned more solid information our shoulders started to release, just a bit. I am a planner at heart, I love knowing what is ahead, and I started to feel okay with things once we had a plan. I set my sights for summer 2018 being the time when I would be my shiny new self and my family would get a chance to g

Once my 16 chemotherapy treatments were completed and with my imminent surgery which would leave me destabilized for a while, I knew I wanted time away with my family. Plus, our family decided experiences were vital from this point forward. I emailed a few hotels around the city to see what my options were. When I emailed with Jeanie, from Hyatt Lost Pines Resort and Spa, I was thrilled to put together a weekend stay. Her vision, above and beyond generosity, and individualize

When I first walked in to the chemotherapy room I cried. The sad, slow, tears streaming down my face, and trembling…I was scared. But toward the end of that infusion I saw someone celebrate her bell ringing. I was so inspired, I cried and it gave me hope. And from that point forward I decided I wanted to be that for someone…be an inspiration, be a ray of hope. In this five months, I have learned enough to alter my way of living. I learned that I have an amazing support system