Recently a new song has been coming on in my car and every time it does, I find myself turning the volume up and getting chills from the lyrics and tears rolling down my cheeks.
The chorus rings,
“Maybe it’s okay if I’m not okay. ‘Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me. Maybe it’s alright, if I’m not alright. ‘Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life.”
This was such a welcomed acknowledgement that it was okay for me not to be okay.
When the world tells you, it will be okay. You are okay.
When the world tries to push off any uncomfortable feelings. When the world can’t handle discussing uncomfortable topics like depression, anxiety, rejection, sadness, loneliness, shame, and fear.
Listening to this song gave me such relief.
It is alright, if I’m not alright.
It was hard for me to accept this when I have been given the gift of ridiculous, almost fantastical optimism.
And maybe, in hindsight God gave me this gift because he knew I would need it most once I hit my 30s.
When diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt like I had to be okay. More for everyone else than myself.
I had to be okay for my husband. I had to be okay for my daughters. I had to be okay for my mom. My dad. My brother.
I had to be okay for the Facebook world…all the people that suddenly surfaced that I never ever hear from on a regular basis.
For the world, I had to be okay.
A lot of people cannot handle the negative. They get twitchy and excuse themselves to leave this feeling.
Guess what, it is okay to feel friends.
I didn’t (don't) have the option to not feel. I was pushed out of my comfort zone. I was bare, completely vulnerable. Exposed and praying to God to lead my steps while walking on the balance beam of life and death. And I know I am not the only one.
I remember in the heat of my battle I never wanted to say to anyone, “It will all be okay,” anymore.
Because I and others who have suffered, know that we don’t know that. We have no idea if it will be okay.
Life after cancer might be harder then when I was in treatment, the fear can eat you up inside. The isolation, the loneliness, the fact that people disappear from your life. The heartbreak of possibly not living old with my husband or watching my babies have babies... is sometimes too much to bear.
Saying, “it is going to be okay.” To someone who is suffering greatly, is like putting a band aid on a hemorrhaging body part that clearly needs more than a band aid. The thought was sort of appreciated, but it really didn’t do any good.
But then as my journey continued and as I dug into God’s word I realized IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
Maybe, not on this earth. Maybe not in my earthly flesh.
Because loss of a child. Cancer causing utmost destruction. Depression wreaking havoc on your mental state. Financial ruin. Betrayal. Are all not okay.
But one day, when the heavens open up and Jesus comes to bring us home or when we leave our earthly, temporary, rented bodies here and enter paradise. At that moment, it will FINALLY be okay.
So now, when I say, “It will be okay.” I mean Jesus will make it all okay, eventually, one day we will not shed anymore tears, we will not get cancer, or lose babies, or be rejected, or feel lonely.
For now, while I grapple with living and breathing each new day in this temporary body, on this rented space. I know that maybe if I’m not okay, IT IS OKAY.
The only opportunity for me really to become what God intended, was through not being okay. Through my suffering I found true peace that pointed north toward eternity.
Through my isolation, I realized that my brokenness led to me becoming whole.
If I had never experienced fear...then I would never have experienced the beauty of being free.
For all of you out there forcing yourselves to be okay... please hear me. It is okay to not be okay. You are loved, God has purpose for your life. He is relentless in pursuing you. All you have to say is yes.
Do yourselves all a favor and watch their music video. Maybe It's Okay We Are Messengers
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