be still and smile

My Dearest Halen, I sit here thinking about how fast five years went by. I think back on being in absolute maternity bliss when you arrived, you were part of me. I was complete with you in my arms. I could stare at you and smell you and kiss you all day long. The sleepless nights were long forgotten with you by my side. You made me a mama and taught me along the way. You taught me how to listen to my instincts, how to shut out the chatter that so often becomes too much to bea

When I was little I would go to bed fantasizing about my wedding. About the man I would marry and the four children I would have, 2 boys and 2 girls. I even had their names picked out. I started a wedding binder, collecting all the things I wanted to use for the planning of my wedding. For the beginning of my marriage. I am not alone in this fantasy, as girls many of us dream of being swept off our feet and carried away into the sunset by our prince charming. My love story wa

What do Sundays mean to you? For me Sundays = family. Family and food. Family, food and Jesus. Sundays are when we wake up slow, when the crackling of bacon and sizzle of eggs is heard and the smell wafts through our home, bringing the family together. Sundays are when coffee beans are ground and the whistle of our tea kettle takes on the role of our rooster in the home, reminding us it is time to wake up. Sundays are the day I relish in cozying in my spot on the couch where

Recently a new song has been coming on in my car and every time it does, I find myself turning the volume up and getting chills from the lyrics and tears rolling down my cheeks. The chorus rings, “Maybe it’s okay if I’m not okay. ‘Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me. Maybe it’s alright, if I’m not alright. ‘Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life.” This was such a welcomed acknowledgement that it was okay for me not to be okay. When the wor

Dear Carol, As I look at my daughters’ blue eyes, energetic twirls over to wrestle with their daddy… my heart aches. I suppose it is a heartache that is both full of happiness and one that has an aching of emptiness. I was never able to meet you, never able to hug you or dance with you at our wedding. I was never able to hand our brand new baby girl over to you, which we named after you… But the biggest thing that comes to mind, is that I was never able to thank you. Thank yo

I have been quite overwhelmed lately. Life just seems to be on full attack from all angles. Fear mongering is e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e and it is driving me bananas. I have never been one to cower in fear, hide or close myself up. I am usually quite the extrovert. But lately, I just am becoming more and more of a homebody… I feel so safe and strong in my bubble. Then I have to go outside, and from the first step on my porch I feel like I need to wear my armor. Everything I believe

I have been trying hard lately to raise tiny disciples. We talk about being a blessing vs being a burden to others. We speak of kindness and gentleness every day. I like to put our talks into practice and I have come up with 10 great ways moms can use to help their littles show compassion, gratitude, love, selflessness, and kindness toward others. Hand-written Notes: I think this is a lost art, I understand life gets hectic, but I still think hand-written notes, whether that

Easter weekend 2017 will forever hold a place in my heart… quite an uncomfortable place to be honest. I was sitting on my mom’s bed, we were watching, “Passion of the Christ” and stuffing eggs for our Easter Egg Hunt the next day, on Easter Sunday. That is when I knew something was terribly wrong with my body. For months, my 10-month-old baby at the time had been trying to tell me something was wrong, but I ignored it…thinking it had to be a cluster of clogged ducts. (If you

Today marked my last day of radiation. I was more emotional than I thought I would be, but then again, I have been through a lot in the last eight months. My body has endured quite a few obstacles, this being another one. Yesterday, I met with my radiation oncologist and she took a look at my skin…she was very impressed by how well it held up. Then I asked, “So how do we know if the radiation worked?” And she simply responded with, “Well time will tell, there is no way to mea

It’s interesting how human beings work. We judge, and judge often. We don’t necessarily mean to, it is just human nature. Judging someone’s choice of clothing… Did they look in the mirror when they walked out of the house this morning? Hairstyle… Did that woman really choose that short hair cut? The way they raise their children… God forbid they let their children dress themselves, or not wipe their nose the instant it needs wiping. The way their house looks… Is that breakfas

Life with littles is hard. I find that I am so busy trying to juggle everything, I forget to go to the bathroom. My bladder has become a soldier. My beloved coffee only tastes good reheated so many times and then it loses its luster. My patience, tolerance and calmness only go so far until I can feel the stress creeping up threatening to burst out at any moment. Then my 3 ½ year old asks me to cuddle. In those moments, time stands still. I don’t have my phone around, I don’t

I have been processing information for the last few days, trying to figure out how to put it into words. The beginning of this journey was hard to grapple with, but as we learned more solid information our shoulders started to release, just a bit. I am a planner at heart, I love knowing what is ahead, and I started to feel okay with things once we had a plan. I set my sights for summer 2018 being the time when I would be my shiny new self and my family would get a chance to g

The moment I was diagnosed I chose to take the positive route. At first this was easy, I was running on adrenaline. I have always been a faithful person, and clung to that faith harder than ever before. I prayed daily and started my BSF bible study to help dive into the word to bring out the hope buried in me waiting to be released. “Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hop

Tuesdays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week. It all starts with coffee and front porch sitting with my Halen girl, or cuddling up on the couch. I enjoy the quiet moments with just Halen before our Henley girl awakes. Something about mornings brings me a jolt of joy…maybe it’s the promise of a new day, a clean slate, Jesus renewed love, my girls’ big smiles…whatever it is I find mornings quite romantic. I sip my steaming cup of hot coffee all cozy in my ja

This battle has ebbed and flowed all over my heart…my mental state… my view. Holy of holies. It is hard. I know on the outside I speak the power of positivity and that is truer than true. But it feels like I am falling off of a cliff and gripping the edge with all of my might, to keep from falling into the enemy’s arms. It is an incessant battle not only physically, but mentally. And I have always had a pretty clear and positive mental state. Never allowing myself to dip down