be still and smile

It has been about 938 days since I was told I had breast cancer. Since then I have had 1 year of chemotherapy, radiation and 4 surgeries. Oh and therapy for over a year. All with little girls needing a mama. Since then, my hair has grown back. My eyebrows have grown back and I have started meeting new people. I have become part of new circles. Most when they look at me would absolutely never guess of what a horrific few years I’ve just had. So when I walk into a party or the

Three years ago I had an impressive baby belly with what I would soon to find out was an 8 lb 9 oz baby in my womb. My first born came right on time, on her due date (at 9 lbs). So I had an inkling that my second would come early. This go round I decided to choose a mid-wife which was the best decision I could ever make. Being a first time mom, I had no idea what I was doing. I just felt like I was thrown into the Spanish running of the bulls, trying to keep up. I denied the

When I was little I would go to bed fantasizing about my wedding. About the man I would marry and the four children I would have, 2 boys and 2 girls. I even had their names picked out. I started a wedding binder, collecting all the things I wanted to use for the planning of my wedding. For the beginning of my marriage. I am not alone in this fantasy, as girls many of us dream of being swept off our feet and carried away into the sunset by our prince charming. My love story wa

Recently a new song has been coming on in my car and every time it does, I find myself turning the volume up and getting chills from the lyrics and tears rolling down my cheeks. The chorus rings, “Maybe it’s okay if I’m not okay. ‘Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me. Maybe it’s alright, if I’m not alright. ‘Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life.” This was such a welcomed acknowledgement that it was okay for me not to be okay. When the wor

Dear Carol, As I look at my daughters’ blue eyes, energetic twirls over to wrestle with their daddy… my heart aches. I suppose it is a heartache that is both full of happiness and one that has an aching of emptiness. I was never able to meet you, never able to hug you or dance with you at our wedding. I was never able to hand our brand new baby girl over to you, which we named after you… But the biggest thing that comes to mind, is that I was never able to thank you. Thank yo

I have been quite overwhelmed lately. Life just seems to be on full attack from all angles. Fear mongering is e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e and it is driving me bananas. I have never been one to cower in fear, hide or close myself up. I am usually quite the extrovert. But lately, I just am becoming more and more of a homebody… I feel so safe and strong in my bubble. Then I have to go outside, and from the first step on my porch I feel like I need to wear my armor. Everything I believe

My husband and I have this ongoing argument about daily life. I am the whimsical, laid-back, easy breezy one who knows everything will be okay. Well you can imagine what happened to that when cancer hit… I really could care less about petty stuff. To me why does a clean house matter? Why do the clothes have to be folded RIGHT now? Why does STUFF matter? To me things are just things. What matters to me most are emotions, relationships, experiences, people, moments, memories. F

When you choose (God chooses) the person you will spend the rest of your life with, and you go through the smitten phase, the “I’m the Queen of America” stage (aka when he proposed...yes I said this out loud 🤣), to the googly eyed wedding planning phase, to OMG I am walking down the aisle...to the point where you say the vows you’ve poured over and worked on for months. When you are gazing into the eyes of the person you are vowing to spend the rest of your life with...as yo

I wake up in the morning and my hands are swollen, they hurt to even close them. I cringe as I pry open my medicine, which is a pain I never thought I would face. I have cracks deep in my toes that I have to apply care to each night, I have skin peeling off my feet. My hands look like I have had my hands stuck in a water basin all day…absolute prunes. My digestive system is all out of whack, not knowing up from down. This is what I face each day with my current chemo pills. A

Today four years ago, I became a mother. The thing I wanted most in this world, besides being Evan's wife. I was given that gorgeous gift with a daughter, straight from above. I planned so precisely for that moment and when it arrived she completely took my breath away. Not much can be explained like a mother’s love. It is unexplainable…the power, the depth, the feeling that you would do absolutely anything in the world for that being, and that starts from in the womb, to the

Hey hey mamas! So, I am on day 26 of my Whole30 challenge and I feel amazing. Wow have I seen serious changes! I truly feel like all I had to do was change my mindset and then it all fell into place. I have struggled with my weight/appearance for the last 10+ years. I know much of that was my own mental game, where I needed to extend myself more grace, acceptance, and self-love. However, society does not promote that. I tried everything, every diet, every idea, even some scar

It all starts with my Monday morning alarm reminding me that it is time to hit the pavement and #nevermissamonday. During this time, I feel alive and love pushing my limits. I try to ignore the pain in my hands and feet. When I arrive home, I am greeted by my happy-go-lucky firstborn. I have to remind myself to get my morning supplements in before #chemobrain sets in and I forget. Then, I attempt to get my #jesustime in by focusing on my bible study while H eats her cereal an

It is time to be real, to be transparent about my journey. Have you ever cared so deeply about something that it just becomes a part of you? It becomes like a sensation, that starts in your heart and spreads until you take action and DO something about what you truly care about. Over the last nine months my life has turned upside down… my health has always been important to me, so to be diagnosed with breast cancer with no genetic correlation just baffled me. Then I started t

Sometimes I feel like a sheep being pushed and guided toward this mysterious light that gives a false sense of security. I look around and see everyone else walking in that direction, so I cautiously move forward. In the back of my head the lioness in me starts to roar, I stop… the masses behind me keep moving forward almost pushing me forward too. I move myself out of the herd, I stand on the outside watching this huge crowd in tunnel vision, just trusting what is ahead. My

All I have seen lately are moms snappish about how much they hate Valentine’s Day… it bums me out. I mean don’t get me wrong, I get it. We don’t eat candy in this house, so that aspect of VDay makes me cringe… (Halen STILL asks where her Halloween candy is…it is still hiding at the top of my closet…) Sure, Valentine’s Day may seem like a “Hallmark” holiday these days, thanks to grocery stores and Walgreens for splattering cherry red and pepto bismal all over their stores. But

In the last few days I have seen everyone’s best nine photo collages being posted on Instagram from 2017. These rubbed me in a strange way, to say this year has been difficult is the understatement of the century. I began to look at all the photos from the last year…if you were to scroll through my phone you would think the start to 2017 was pretty great. You’d see photos of Halen and I with warm hats on in the chilly January weather, you would see Halen playing dress up, new

As I watch these Christmas movies with inevitable happy ever after, it makes me think back on my life. The choices I made, the decisions that led to me to where I am today… and what I would do differently. I’ve always been a fairytale girl, and God gently reminds me that people are incapable of fulfilling that desire within me. But, I think we can come close. Christmas is bringing a lot of emotion my way, and I have had a hard time getting into the spirit. I feel like this ba

The moment I was diagnosed I chose to take the positive route. At first this was easy, I was running on adrenaline. I have always been a faithful person, and clung to that faith harder than ever before. I prayed daily and started my BSF bible study to help dive into the word to bring out the hope buried in me waiting to be released. “Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hop

In the immediate days after my mastectomy I didn’t truly accept what had happened to me. I treated the recovery as if I had the tonsillectomy that I had years ago. I welcomed the visitors, delicious bowls of pho, coffee and breakfast tacos. I embraced the snuggles on my bed watching the entire mini-series of Big Little Lies in one sitting, because let’s face it, as a mom of little kids I never get to sit down for long. I was thrilled with cozying up on the couch watching chee

After my diagnosis with breast cancer, my husband and I decided that choosing experiences over stuff was vital. The first opportunity we had to getaway we took it. After 18 months of two children we finally had a chance to getaway, just us. We chose Ann Arbor. I wrote about much of it in my previous blog about Michigan football. But I’ve always wanted to write about the places I visit, so here we go. On Friday, we landed in Detroit, Michigan, we were greeted with crisp and co