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Even If

This battle has ebbed and flowed all over my heart…my mental state… my view. Holy of holies. It is hard. I know on the outside I speak the power of positivity and that is truer than true. But it feels like I am falling off of a cliff and gripping the edge with all of my might, to keep from falling into the enemy’s arms. It is an incessant battle not only physically, but mentally. And I have always had a pretty clear and positive mental state. Never allowing myself to dip down too low. These days the enemy is trying to overcome, and I won’t give him that victory. Jesus has me.

I was driving home last night from our small group and Even If by MercyMe came on. I really listened to the lyrics and … wow. Tears were gushing down my face (probably not in a pretty way either), and each word, each phrase sunk in.

Bart Millard is essentially saying that when you are high on life it is easy to encourage others and for him being a famous singer in Christian music – to uplift, give hope, hearten, however when things are lower than low…we think we can’t, we fumble, we fall. Then we remind ourselves that God is able, He can save anytime He wants to, He can create the impossible as a possible miracle, His hands can do anything. But the question is… even if He doesn’t will we still be around? Will we give thanks and pray? Will we honor His name and stick to His word? Will we sing His gospel and teach His truth? Or will we get angry, walk away, put down His word, grow resentment, grow disheartened, choose to believe God does not care?

Our hope is supposed to come from God alone. Even if our premature baby goes to Heaven, even if our home is devastated by a flood, even if an earthquake passes through and takes our sister, even if a car accident takes your 16-year-old, even if parents choose divorce, even if a spouse chooses to commit adultery, even if cancer takes away your wife.

Just a little bit of faith, a mustard seed in fact, is all we need.

This. I was just in anguish trying to understand this song and stay completely in sync with Jesus. I know He loves me, I know He cares. I know He wants me to be my little girls’ mommy. So why would God leave a “mountain unmovable”? I struggle with that. Why would I be made my daughters’ mom to not survive this? Surely that is not in the plan for me. That is my biggest fear. All I ever wanted to be was a mommy and marry my best friend. Hence, hearing this song, it struck me deep down. And ultimately, I have to wrap my head around, “it is well with my soul.” And trust God and His plan, not my plan. And even if my worst fear becomes a reality, I will not stray from Jesus. I will continue to have faith and hope and love.

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