Am I on the clock?
Time has been a mixture of a whirlwind and a standstill since the end of May. It took a long time for my diagnosis to sink in. I still sometimes forget, I’ll be chatting away with a friend on the couch and then I catch a glimpse of myself in them mirror and get reminded… “Oh yeah, I have cancer.” (And do I act differently because I have cancer? More on that later.)
The worst part about cancer is the future. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb. I feel like once you are diagnosed with cancer you are on the clock. It is only a matter of time until…it comes back, or my time here is up. I know that sounds weird to say, but it feels true. I hear over and over again in different cancer support groups that I am on about cancer coming back, once, twice, three times…um excuse me? I am trying to stay positive, but it’s hard not to let those thoughts sink in sometimes. That’s why living my life as wholly as I can is so imperative for me. And truly I think…okay so if I were told my cancer came back, would my attitude change at all? As hard as it would be to digest, and after a pity party… I don’t think it would. Why? Because what’s the point. I mean really, we are ALL on the clock, right? Cancer or not. But for me, we just may know what might be the reason for my one-way ticket to Heaven.
I have been on this road for three months now and I have learned the power of positivity. Regardless of what road you are on, what cards you have been dealt, having a positive attitude can be a huge game changer. I have sat across from people in the infusion room who have the same cancer I do, are on the same medicine I am, and they are struggling. Now, I know every body processes things differently and that certainly is a large part of this too. But I firmly believe in mind over matter, and if you talk to your body, fill it with positive affirmations, walk with Christ, then your body will work for you not against you. I’ve already talked about what a huge role fear can play on this journey, but our decision to push past that fear and breathe in a positive mindset can greatly alter how our body reacts. For example, chemo sucks…no one “likes” chemotherapy…BUT it is important to kill the evil cancer cells that are burning bright within. So, it is important to accept the medicine and let it do its job. Aid the medicine to help it do its job. Fear of the medicine, anxiety, stress can all work your body into a tizzy and keep the medicine from doing its job…that’s my philosophy anyway. So, staying positive and having faith is important. I know that I am not alone on this journey, I know that God walks hand in hand with me. I know that He is using me for a greater purpose.
Living wholly is one of the best ways to beat cancer… I love the quote from Stuart Scott, "You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.” Whether or not I live to be 93 or not, I will live my life as full as possible. I will pour my coffee into a fancy coffee cup, I will sit on the front porch and sip the hot contents while my littles slumber upstairs, I will dance with my hubby in the kitchen to no music, I will cuddle my littles donning their jammies a moment longer before bed, I will fill my days with joy, laughter, love, yummy food, and travel.
And don’t get me wrong I am amped up for this fight. Nothing about this fight makes me doubt my ability to become cancer free. Hand in hand with Christ, my commitment to being positive, and including as many avenues as possible to aid me in conquering this beast…because I AM the storm.
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