Turning fret into faith.
Easter weekend 2017 will forever hold a place in my heart… quite an uncomfortable place to be honest. I was sitting on my mom’s bed, we were watching, “Passion of the Christ” and stuffing eggs for our Easter Egg Hunt the next day, on Easter Sunday.
That is when I knew something was terribly wrong with my body. For months, my 10-month-old baby at the time had been trying to tell me something was wrong, but I ignored it…thinking it had to be a cluster of clogged ducts. (If you haven’t read my story click here. Continued here.) On this particular night, I just knew in my gut, something wasn’t right. I squeezed, massaged, pumped, put a heat pad on my chest…nothing was working. In my mind, I kept thinking it needed to be massaged loose and then like a fire hydrant it would gush out all the glorious liquid gold that had been stuck in there would come pouring out.
That did not happen.
After further investigation, it became clear that something was destroying my body. Physical signs of dimpling, redness, irritation, inverted nipple, a giant lump directly under my nipple were all indications that something was very, very wrong.
I tried not to panic. I tried not to fret…but today with all the “over Googling” it is hard not to get upset about something that is not right with your body.
The worst part is that was the end of March… I didn’t get officially diagnosed until May 24, 2017… so two months later. Two months of this growth working its way into my body, trying essentially… to kill me.
It haunts me to this day that this mass of cancer, this evil, dark growth was trying to take over my body… WHILE I was still nursing my baby. How? Why? These questions circle through my mind day in and day out.
Nevertheless, we went about our Easter festivities, I look back at the family picture thinking… wow this is right before cancer turned our world upside down. I look at the people in the photo and whisper, “I’m sorry.” For now, I know what devastation and what a hurricane would swoop through our lives.
Easter has always been a time of rejoice and immense celebration for me. As most of you know, I am a devoted Christian. Jesus is my homeboy. I’ve always been a Christian, I became closer when I became a mom, with age I understood more of what my mom was trying so hard to teach me and nurture me with scripture and church. However, my faith really became my center when I was diagnosed. I became absolutely certain that having Christ as my focus was what was going to get me by in this life-altering, suffering. That even if cancer did take me away, my address would change to Heaven.
So, I took my fret and poured it into my faith, into fulfilling myself with scripture, motherhood, my marriage, my relationships and choosing to live out joy every single day I have on this planet. I hope my story would reach others and inspire them to live better, love stronger, to change their perspective on what life is really about.
I no doubt have bad days, I am human, sometimes this new life gets the best of me and I am not the best version of myself. The next day, I get up and try to be better. I am changing our lifestyle, making self-care (physically and mentally), family-care important. Praying on the daily, finding ways to serve others, and choosing joy is what keeps me going.
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