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Mommin' on Xeloda


It all starts with my Monday morning alarm reminding me that it is time to hit the pavement and #nevermissamonday. During this time, I feel alive and love pushing my limits. I try to ignore the pain in my hands and feet.

When I arrive home, I am greeted by my happy-go-lucky firstborn. I have to remind myself to get my morning supplements in before #chemobrain sets in and I forget. Then, I attempt to get my #jesustime in by focusing on my bible study while H eats her cereal and watches Sofia the First. We usually, get a little bit of time together before baby h gets up for the day, our late sleeper.

Next is breakfast, trying to juggle what the girls want, attempting to find something to make for myself then getting H’s lunch made, girls dressed (I usually lose on the matching outfit dilemma), hair done, Halen loves to pick her hair do from Pinterest, (sometimes we win, sometimes we fail), shoes on (the sock debacle), backpack ready and out the door. Phew. I don’t know how moms make it on time everywhere. I try and I try.

After Halen is dropped off at school, I struggle to get work done to try and grow my business…I try to get my blogging done, writing my book all while a toddler wants to play…with me. #majormomguilt

Working from home is SO hard. Somewhere in there I get distracted by the mounds of laundry piling up, dishes everywhere, crumbs on the floor, toys strewn all over the house. Then I get into squirrel mode and try to clean, so my husband thinks I got something accomplished while I was home. (I promise I do babe! Lol)

By that time, I am trying to get my littlest fed lunch so we can get over to pick up my big from school. I watch Henley waltz into school saying, “Hi!!!!” to everyone she passes. I love watching her personality shine through when we have one on one time together. We pick up Halen and learn about her day at school. This day she came home with a weather wheel, she would select whether it was sunny, windy, cloudy or rainy. H was very proud to share all of this with us.

Then we shuffle back home to get Henley down to nap. Halen has quiet time and I am given time to work. Of course, in that time, the mound of laundry is staring at me and #wifeguilt emerges. I go to the bathroom and the bathroom stares at me beckoning me to give it just a simple wipe down… cleaning is NOT my gift.

On Tuesday and Thursdays, I have both girls at home by myself…which is a blessing and beautiful chaos all at once. I somehow have to juggle work and entertaining them all day, a very difficult job. I like to make a fun breakfast, then get some work in before maybe an outing or activity of some kind, before nap.

When daddy gets home the girls want to play with daddy and I try to get a few house cleaning things done, and start dinner. Some days I feel like every chance my body gets to sit down, I have to get back up to get a drink of water for someone, a snack for another, change a diaper, a Kleenex, a fork… the list is endless. By the time we get through our evening activity, bath, books, and manage to get the girls to bed, I try to slip in bed and enjoy some peace with my hubby. Of course, I forget something and have to get up again and do one of the 4,537,898 things that moms do every day.

This probably sounds similar to a lot of mom’s lives. We want more time to fit in playing with our babies, supporting our families, self-care, time with hubby and getting out of the house for some fun.

Right now I am doing all of this while on chemo pills, luckily it is a breeze compared to what I endured this past summer. At my appointment yesterday, my oncologist said on a scale from 1-10 for my Hand & Foot Syndrome, mine was a one…which mind you I still have pain, redness and scaly skin. I am grateful for that, I can’t imagine some of the images I have seen of this icky side effect. Literally skin sloughing off as if you were a snake shedding into a new skin…which my oncologist told me that is what happens, the medicine breaks down the barrier between our new skin and dead skin faster than what normally happens…hence the peeling of skin.

Then this medicine has wreaked havoc on my digestive system, seriously no fun at all. It is completely unpredictable, so I have no idea how my body is going to react from day to day. I grew up with a funky digestive system, so sadly I am not new to stomach discomfort. Thankfully, with our new lifestyle I use my DiGize essential oil (a blend of Tarragon, Ginger, Peppermint, Juniper, Fennel, Lemongrass, Anise and Patchouli) on my stomach any time I have pain and all is gone within 10 minutes. (Phew!)

We are half way through my chemo pills, I should be done by June 5th. I start cycle four this week and I am praying my side effects stay minimal. Last cycle when I was helping Evan celebrate his 35th birthday, I could hardly walk down the street from the pain I felt on my feet…it was as if my feet were coming out of being numb + walking on one of those hard, pebbly roads barefoot… but I was walking in sandals down a flat sidewalk. Pretty frustrating for me because I hate when things try to pull me down. I am a stubborn, independent person with a lot to do, I have dreams and goals and recipes and fun things I want to do and these side effects getting in my way can start to hammer into my mental state. I am deteremined to choose light every single day, but that doesn’t mean it is not hard every single day.

Everyone has a battle… we all need to live each day with a positive attitude and the mindset of how we can pay it forward. Despite our suffering, we need to choose joy… there is so much to be thankful for. I have my eyes on summer and cannot wait to kiss this year of treatment goodbye.

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