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Foggy Cloud

Being on chemo the first week was probably a lot like being high. I was so disconnected from reality (not really in a good way lol), I had so many different symptoms going on all at once. The most obvious symptom was nauseas, and the only time that subsided was when I ate or slept. Truly I am a water girl, it is pretty much all I drink and suddenly I didn’t really want water, which is bad because it’s easy to get dehydrated on this. But water tasted metallic and left an icky taste in my mouth… so I had to try harder to drink water, which was annoying.

There were moments I would be napping on the couch and my brain could hear the girls and that they needed help (they didn’t Evan or my mom or someone was always with them) and my body physically could not get up to tend to them. That was my worst fear through all of this, is not being able to be there physically for my girls. Which does sound weird because obviously when I take care of myself this year and kick this cancer, then I’ll be there for them a lot longer. Things were so unclear, I literally would eat breakfast and go lay on the couch and fall asleep for two hours. And I have never slept harder at night in my life, I don’t think I move and I am a wiggly, steal the covers, kick ya in your ribs kind of sleeper.

The girls truly do help with this whole process. They are my real medicine. Halen is always making me laugh and she is pretty tuned in to know that mommy is not feeling well. Every morning when I walk downstairs she asks me, “Mommy you feel better today?” And every night we pray for mommy to be healed. So so so sweet. She wants to look at my “owie” (the port in my chest) and I talk to her about how I’ll have a haircut like daddy soon. She was not a fan of my initial short haircut; her favorite princess is “Punzel” and she feels we should have extra-long hair and she will tell you that she will NOT cut her hair. Which I am pretty happy about. Henley is just my sweetest little bug, still discovering everything and so fun to watch play. She looks at me like I hold all the stars in her sky.

My husband...I'm not sure if I can even find the words (he'll need his own blog post or two). He is perfect for me. He has been incredible from day one of this whole fiasco. He didn't ask for this, he didn't ask to be a caregiver to his wife with small children and yet, he has 100% taken on the role of caregiver, dad, housekeeper, scheduler, pretty much taking on all the roles I filled before with such patience and love.

It’s kind of overwhelming that this is the very first stop on this crazy train. I still have 15 more infusions and then a major (MAJOR) surgery to undergo and radiation. But that’s why I have to take this one step at a time.

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