be still and smile

Here I am 17 months out from being diagnosed with breast cancer, and most people when they see me say I look great, and seem to be doing great. Which I am, thank God, I am. But what most don’t understand is the constant mind battle that takes place from the moment you are diagnosed. This battle will stay with me forever. I am not sure if other cancer warriors deal with this particular battle, but it is very very very difficult for me. I walk around absolutely terrified of can

What people don’t tell you about having cancer is it doesn’t just rock your body to the lowest valley it will go. It is also casting a shadow on your mental state, your outlook… it can jade you on life really quickly. What doctors don’t tell you about cancer is that you can suffer PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness, mood swings, anger. That you can go from absolute happiness to absolute sadness over one comment. What the doctors don’t tell you about cancer i

All I have seen lately are moms snappish about how much they hate Valentine’s Day… it bums me out. I mean don’t get me wrong, I get it. We don’t eat candy in this house, so that aspect of VDay makes me cringe… (Halen STILL asks where her Halloween candy is…it is still hiding at the top of my closet…) Sure, Valentine’s Day may seem like a “Hallmark” holiday these days, thanks to grocery stores and Walgreens for splattering cherry red and pepto bismal all over their stores. But

Over the last eight months, I have been filling my bucket full of hope. Since my diagnosis, I was hoping that by February of this year I would be able to focus on my recovery from all treatment so that my body would be prepared for my reconstruction surgery in May. However, as I have mentioned before, each time you try to take control of your own path, God loves to remind you that you’re not in control. When we sat in my oncologist’s office after my unilateral mastectomy (dur

When I first walked in to the chemotherapy room I cried. The sad, slow, tears streaming down my face, and trembling…I was scared. But toward the end of that infusion I saw someone celebrate her bell ringing. I was so inspired, I cried and it gave me hope. And from that point forward I decided I wanted to be that for someone…be an inspiration, be a ray of hope. In this five months, I have learned enough to alter my way of living. I learned that I have an amazing support system

Whenever we had Chemo 101, a class given a week before chemotherapy started I was told about all the side effects of chemo. Chemo brain came up on that list. And BOY is it real. I remember being told mom brain was real…(multiplied by every child you have). I have had my two girls…and then a year later…cancer. So, there’s that. I’m sure my brain is thrilled with me. #mombrain is wild. I was like a slower, foggy, tired, achy, forgetful version of myself before (which is a fiery

When I started this life with cancer, I had no idea the mental and emotional toll it would take. It all seemed very physical to me at first. The first chemotherapy medicine I was given really knocked me off my feet physically, (not to mention balancing two little girls in the mix) and of course trying to understand that I had cancer was emotional. As my body started to feel better, I felt pretty good overall. Months went by and people would ask me how I was, and I always resp

I want to begin by saying I am not a hypochondriac whatsoever... I am not a germaphobe either. I am not used to being “careful” or “cautious” or living in “fear”. So to have fear that my cancer could come back at any moment is driving me mad. I grew up fearless…jumping off diving boards at two years old…only the icy, steep River Run in Keystone, Colorado could make me cautious. Everything I have ever wanted in life I boldly went after…became a triathlete, ran marathons, first

Time has been a mixture of a whirlwind and a standstill since the end of May. It took a long time for my diagnosis to sink in. I still sometimes forget, I’ll be chatting away with a friend on the couch and then I catch a glimpse of myself in them mirror and get reminded… “Oh yeah, I have cancer.” (And do I act differently because I have cancer? More on that later.) The worst part about cancer is the future. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb. I feel like once you are diagno

Since the beginning of my relationship with Evan, I have been enchanted by him. His tall, “big guy” exterior always made my heart beat faster. I loved that he was a big man, every hug made me feel so safe. His smile turns me to puddy every single time. It’s radiant. Holding his hand instantly calms my heart. Being on this road with this man is arduous…I cannot fathom finding out that he was diagnosed with cancer. I think this may be every husband’s nightmare. But, he fell in

I have been going to a coping with breast cancer support class and we usually go around the room and talk about different subjects. Our support circle came up, and we were supposed to talk about how we feel about that. Several people said that friends started dropping out of their lives, even family members. I was shocked. I looked down at my piece of paper with several family members and friend’s names written in each respective circle…would these people start to drop out of

Have you ever been moving through life and were forced to stop? But you weren’t ready or prepared for the stop. Kind of like slamming on the breaks in a car…your head flies forward, your seatbelt secures tightly, your eyes widen and your adrenaline gets a spike…a forced pause. I was given a forced pause in my cancer journey. You’d think I would be used to being blindsided by now, but somehow the surprise just doesn’t get any easier. It’s strange because when one is diagnosed

Have you ever had that feeling where you were sitting on a plane, on the runway, waiting for take-off? You keep yourself busy, by adjusting your seat, fixing the seat belt length, getting out your chosen book to read or magazine to browse through. Then suddenly the plane starts to move…your heart goes into your stomach in anticipation of lift off, but it seems to take longer than you thought… that’s where I am right now. Caught on the runway, in between take off. I have spent

As I sit here, with a kid’s movie playing in the background, my girls pretending to build Olaf on the playroom floor, hubby off trying to continue the process of getting our house settled, I try to keep up. I try to keep up with the active parenting, but my brain and body are disconnected. I yearn for normalcy. I yearn to be able to pick my kids up and go to a fun playdate without worrying about my low white blood cell count. I yearn to eat a fresh summer salad with the color

Being on chemo the first week was probably a lot like being high. I was so disconnected from reality (not really in a good way lol), I had so many different symptoms going on all at once. The most obvious symptom was nauseas, and the only time that subsided was when I ate or slept. Truly I am a water girl, it is pretty much all I drink and suddenly I didn’t really want water, which is bad because it’s easy to get dehydrated on this. But water tasted metallic and left an icky

I was nervous walking into my first chemotherapy infusion. You already read my post about how waiting is the hardest part, well now all the waiting was over. The battle was officially about to begin. As Evan and I walked in with my two bags, tears sprung to my eyes. My stomach was rolling and my brain was saying, “You must be mistaken, this is not right, turn around and run out those doors, just go, you don’t belong here.” But my feet kept moving forwar d, Evan made a joke wh