be still and smile

May is the motherload (pun intended) of months for me as a mom. Both my daughters are born in May and my cancer-versary is in May. This gives me a lot of time to ponder the meaning of motherhood and of course to analyze myself to see if I am on the track I thought I’d be on. Re-evaluate myself, push myself, pray and try to really tune in to my girls and our life. Lately, I feel myself being pulled in so many different directions, say yes to all of the things and feeling like

When I was little I would go to bed fantasizing about my wedding. About the man I would marry and the four children I would have, 2 boys and 2 girls. I even had their names picked out. I started a wedding binder, collecting all the things I wanted to use for the planning of my wedding. For the beginning of my marriage. I am not alone in this fantasy, as girls many of us dream of being swept off our feet and carried away into the sunset by our prince charming. My love story wa

Who is ready for 2018 to go? Anyone wish it would linger a little longer? I have always found myself ready for a new year, ready for a new Monday... ready to start fresh. 2018 was quite the year for our family... the second half of my cancer journey took place in 2018... Don’t get me wrong 2018 had some pretty fantastic moments… my daughters growing and learning just brings me so much joy. It snowed in Texas as we rang in the New Year, which is pretty uncommon and awesome. We

My husband and I have this ongoing argument about daily life. I am the whimsical, laid-back, easy breezy one who knows everything will be okay. Well you can imagine what happened to that when cancer hit… I really could care less about petty stuff. To me why does a clean house matter? Why do the clothes have to be folded RIGHT now? Why does STUFF matter? To me things are just things. What matters to me most are emotions, relationships, experiences, people, moments, memories. F

Here I am 17 months out from being diagnosed with breast cancer, and most people when they see me say I look great, and seem to be doing great. Which I am, thank God, I am. But what most don’t understand is the constant mind battle that takes place from the moment you are diagnosed. This battle will stay with me forever. I am not sure if other cancer warriors deal with this particular battle, but it is very very very difficult for me. I walk around absolutely terrified of can

These days it is so easy to just kick your feet up and relax without feeling the pressure to exert yourself. Many have welcomed a blasé attitude toward working hard and exercise, brushing aside it’s rising importance. For survivors and warriors of any kind, we do not have this luxury… our bodies are being compromised, stretched, poked, prodded, pulled, pushed, and exhausted by medicines fighting diseases within. Which gives us all the more reason to focus on exercise. I want

When you choose (God chooses) the person you will spend the rest of your life with, and you go through the smitten phase, the “I’m the Queen of America” stage (aka when he proposed...yes I said this out loud 🤣), to the googly eyed wedding planning phase, to OMG I am walking down the aisle...to the point where you say the vows you’ve poured over and worked on for months. When you are gazing into the eyes of the person you are vowing to spend the rest of your life with...as yo

Easter weekend 2017 will forever hold a place in my heart… quite an uncomfortable place to be honest. I was sitting on my mom’s bed, we were watching, “Passion of the Christ” and stuffing eggs for our Easter Egg Hunt the next day, on Easter Sunday. That is when I knew something was terribly wrong with my body. For months, my 10-month-old baby at the time had been trying to tell me something was wrong, but I ignored it…thinking it had to be a cluster of clogged ducts. (If you

Sometimes I feel like a sheep being pushed and guided toward this mysterious light that gives a false sense of security. I look around and see everyone else walking in that direction, so I cautiously move forward. In the back of my head the lioness in me starts to roar, I stop… the masses behind me keep moving forward almost pushing me forward too. I move myself out of the herd, I stand on the outside watching this huge crowd in tunnel vision, just trusting what is ahead. My

Over the last eight months, I have been filling my bucket full of hope. Since my diagnosis, I was hoping that by February of this year I would be able to focus on my recovery from all treatment so that my body would be prepared for my reconstruction surgery in May. However, as I have mentioned before, each time you try to take control of your own path, God loves to remind you that you’re not in control. When we sat in my oncologist’s office after my unilateral mastectomy (dur

Today marked my last day of radiation. I was more emotional than I thought I would be, but then again, I have been through a lot in the last eight months. My body has endured quite a few obstacles, this being another one. Yesterday, I met with my radiation oncologist and she took a look at my skin…she was very impressed by how well it held up. Then I asked, “So how do we know if the radiation worked?” And she simply responded with, “Well time will tell, there is no way to mea

Any other mamas feel like their car is an extension of their purse? My sweet, amazing, acts of service husband will clean out my car… I am sure more for his sanity than mine, but he will clean it out. Which I am grateful for, but what happens days later? Everything ends up back in my car. Why? We need ALL of the things. Whether that be socks, tissues, diapers, shoes, a stroller, books, Thieves, snacks, water bottles, toys...you name it we probably have it in my car. In severa

January has been all about overdrive for me. Every (weekday) morning I have to complete the morning dance with my kiddos…breakfast, clothes, hair, pack lunch, shoes…any mom will resonate with me on that lovely beginning of each day. Then I drop off my eldest at pre-school, shuttle my littlest to someone who can watch her while I whiz my way downtown to radiation which lasts approximately 20-30 minutes (if they are running on time). Some days it feels like A LOT of rushing for

How do you stay well in the wintertime? We dove into essential oils 2 ½ years ago. Why? Evan had terrible headaches, turned migraines. Halen had incessant ear infections. I was over the OTC drugs that created a band aid, but not a solution. I was determined to find something better for our family. I did my research, just like anyone should do when welcoming something new into their home. I talked to my husband about it, most know he is super critical. We both gave a smiling n

It’s interesting how human beings work. We judge, and judge often. We don’t necessarily mean to, it is just human nature. Judging someone’s choice of clothing… Did they look in the mirror when they walked out of the house this morning? Hairstyle… Did that woman really choose that short hair cut? The way they raise their children… God forbid they let their children dress themselves, or not wipe their nose the instant it needs wiping. The way their house looks… Is that breakfas

As I watch these Christmas movies with inevitable happy ever after, it makes me think back on my life. The choices I made, the decisions that led to me to where I am today… and what I would do differently. I’ve always been a fairytale girl, and God gently reminds me that people are incapable of fulfilling that desire within me. But, I think we can come close. Christmas is bringing a lot of emotion my way, and I have had a hard time getting into the spirit. I feel like this ba

The moment I was diagnosed I chose to take the positive route. At first this was easy, I was running on adrenaline. I have always been a faithful person, and clung to that faith harder than ever before. I prayed daily and started my BSF bible study to help dive into the word to bring out the hope buried in me waiting to be released. “Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hop

A Breast Cancer Survivor's Perspective As I am rounding out my chemotherapy treatments in October, it is impossible to miss all the pink…for what some call Pinktober. I have had 13 chemo treatments, and I have been preparing myself for this month since my diagnosis in May. At first, I was hesitant to join the pink bandwagon…it is just not my color. I always get drawn toward different blue hues, they pull me in with their calming effect and give me some since of serenity. As t

When I started this life with cancer, I had no idea the mental and emotional toll it would take. It all seemed very physical to me at first. The first chemotherapy medicine I was given really knocked me off my feet physically, (not to mention balancing two little girls in the mix) and of course trying to understand that I had cancer was emotional. As my body started to feel better, I felt pretty good overall. Months went by and people would ask me how I was, and I always resp

This battle has ebbed and flowed all over my heart…my mental state… my view. Holy of holies. It is hard. I know on the outside I speak the power of positivity and that is truer than true. But it feels like I am falling off of a cliff and gripping the edge with all of my might, to keep from falling into the enemy’s arms. It is an incessant battle not only physically, but mentally. And I have always had a pretty clear and positive mental state. Never allowing myself to dip down