be still and smile

It has been about 938 days since I was told I had breast cancer. Since then I have had 1 year of chemotherapy, radiation and 4 surgeries. Oh and therapy for over a year. All with little girls needing a mama. Since then, my hair has grown back. My eyebrows have grown back and I have started meeting new people. I have become part of new circles. Most when they look at me would absolutely never guess of what a horrific few years I’ve just had. So when I walk into a party or the

Well it is half way through October and we have seen post after post about breast cancer. I will be one of the first people to tell you about my story and all the symptoms I had, the signs leading up to my diagnosis, the ways I could have detected it earlier, support for when diagnosed. But you know what I really wish someone would have shared with me? Prevention. I mean I remember reading a random magazine article or two about preventing cancer. I think I knew just as much a

Every morning I wake an hour or so before everyone else in my home. I started this ritual a few months ago and have grown to yearn for it. In these early mornings, I start my tea kettle and ready my mug of warm water with lemon (or other citrus) + Pink Himalayan sea salt. Having hypothyroidism, I had to find other ways to have a mug of something warm first thing in the morning. I am supposed to let my system settle for the first 30 minutes to an hour before coffee or breakfas

I have been quite overwhelmed lately. Life just seems to be on full attack from all angles. Fear mongering is e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e and it is driving me bananas. I have never been one to cower in fear, hide or close myself up. I am usually quite the extrovert. But lately, I just am becoming more and more of a homebody… I feel so safe and strong in my bubble. Then I have to go outside, and from the first step on my porch I feel like I need to wear my armor. Everything I believe

Here I am 17 months out from being diagnosed with breast cancer, and most people when they see me say I look great, and seem to be doing great. Which I am, thank God, I am. But what most don’t understand is the constant mind battle that takes place from the moment you are diagnosed. This battle will stay with me forever. I am not sure if other cancer warriors deal with this particular battle, but it is very very very difficult for me. I walk around absolutely terrified of can

We are almost half way through October and the pinkwashing is everywhere you turn. Pinkwashing: The practice of a company using support of breast cancer-related charities to promote itself and its products or services. How many of you have purchased a pink item only because it was pink and you thought, “Surely this goes to a good cause for cancer.” Sadly that is far from the truth. Large organizations sometimes have so much overhead that their giant events pay for just that…

Today I am having another mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. It is the biggest, longest surgery I will have to go through in this cancer battle. It will be a grueling recovery, even more so since I have little ones at home. I cannot lift for 3 months and I have a two-year-old. I was sad to see my rightie go back in November, but to be completely honest I am sadder this time around to see lefty go. Why? Well lefty was the good side. Lefty is where my girls spent most of th

These days it is so easy to just kick your feet up and relax without feeling the pressure to exert yourself. Many have welcomed a blasé attitude toward working hard and exercise, brushing aside it’s rising importance. For survivors and warriors of any kind, we do not have this luxury… our bodies are being compromised, stretched, poked, prodded, pulled, pushed, and exhausted by medicines fighting diseases within. Which gives us all the more reason to focus on exercise. I want

Mom shaming vs. constructive criticism Oftentimes as moms we get overwhelmed, frustrated, and our stress runs high. Everyone is telling us how to parent, book after book, blog after blog, advice after advice. Whatever happened to listening to our intuition? What ever happened to confidence as a parent, that what we choose to do is right for our kid… right for our family. Why do we as moms care so much about what other people think and say about how we parent? I am embarrassed

I wake up in the morning and my hands are swollen, they hurt to even close them. I cringe as I pry open my medicine, which is a pain I never thought I would face. I have cracks deep in my toes that I have to apply care to each night, I have skin peeling off my feet. My hands look like I have had my hands stuck in a water basin all day…absolute prunes. My digestive system is all out of whack, not knowing up from down. This is what I face each day with my current chemo pills. A

What people don’t tell you about having cancer is it doesn’t just rock your body to the lowest valley it will go. It is also casting a shadow on your mental state, your outlook… it can jade you on life really quickly. What doctors don’t tell you about cancer is that you can suffer PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness, mood swings, anger. That you can go from absolute happiness to absolute sadness over one comment. What the doctors don’t tell you about cancer i

Change is hard. No one embraces change with ease or contentment…unless they are faced with such a dire circumstance that forces them to have a difficult mental discussion within their own head where change is imperative. I feel that is where I was. When I was diagnosed, almost a year ago I knew I had to make a serious change. At first it was easy, I was running on adrenaline and moving through the motions of appointments and scans. But then chemo started…the red “devil” prett

For real though, this has been the best thing I have done for myself this year. It has been a long time coming for me to get my eggs in a basket for this commitment. I took long enough justifying and claiming I needed this and that. Finally, in March I made the decision to start Whole30 in April, so all of March I had time to start eliminating certain bad foods and to wrap my head around it mentally. That part I think was key, it is too hard to jump from burgers and cheesecak

Easter weekend 2017 will forever hold a place in my heart… quite an uncomfortable place to be honest. I was sitting on my mom’s bed, we were watching, “Passion of the Christ” and stuffing eggs for our Easter Egg Hunt the next day, on Easter Sunday. That is when I knew something was terribly wrong with my body. For months, my 10-month-old baby at the time had been trying to tell me something was wrong, but I ignored it…thinking it had to be a cluster of clogged ducts. (If you

Since I have been on the transparent train lately, I figured it was a good time as any to share what has been eating away at me. I preface this by saying I am no perfect picture of, well anything…but you can bet your bottom dollar that I am trying my best to live better than before. Health is my primary focus this year, I have been doing so much research, reading, learning…I have been like a sponge gathering as much information about preventative care and wellness that I can.

This is something I am learning and reminding myself of daily. When I was a child I don’t ever remember focusing on an outward appearance…of course as I grew that became more important. It makes my heart hurt to think I thought I was “bigger” when looking back, I was the thinnest I have ever been. Now here I am two babies later, nine months after being diagnosed with breast cancer and I feel as far from attractive as possible. Now most of you probably are taken aback by that

It is time to be real, to be transparent about my journey. Have you ever cared so deeply about something that it just becomes a part of you? It becomes like a sensation, that starts in your heart and spreads until you take action and DO something about what you truly care about. Over the last nine months my life has turned upside down… my health has always been important to me, so to be diagnosed with breast cancer with no genetic correlation just baffled me. Then I started t

Sometimes I feel like a sheep being pushed and guided toward this mysterious light that gives a false sense of security. I look around and see everyone else walking in that direction, so I cautiously move forward. In the back of my head the lioness in me starts to roar, I stop… the masses behind me keep moving forward almost pushing me forward too. I move myself out of the herd, I stand on the outside watching this huge crowd in tunnel vision, just trusting what is ahead. My

Today marked my last day of radiation. I was more emotional than I thought I would be, but then again, I have been through a lot in the last eight months. My body has endured quite a few obstacles, this being another one. Yesterday, I met with my radiation oncologist and she took a look at my skin…she was very impressed by how well it held up. Then I asked, “So how do we know if the radiation worked?” And she simply responded with, “Well time will tell, there is no way to mea

January has been all about overdrive for me. Every (weekday) morning I have to complete the morning dance with my kiddos…breakfast, clothes, hair, pack lunch, shoes…any mom will resonate with me on that lovely beginning of each day. Then I drop off my eldest at pre-school, shuttle my littlest to someone who can watch her while I whiz my way downtown to radiation which lasts approximately 20-30 minutes (if they are running on time). Some days it feels like A LOT of rushing for